What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 08:29
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
My life is so biszare .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I have no regrets .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
It was going to be , some day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were not on the streets..
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do Indian parents force their kids to do stuff?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was seconnd youngest,
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She found it foreign!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We all went to grammer schools
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Put me off passion for life!!
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So whats the point in blame.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What did i know ?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
When she asked me how she looked .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I will be 64.
Would this be the day?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot live in the past .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.